**Disclaimer: Sharing these experiences is for the purpose of shedding light on realities I, as well as others reading this, have gone through. Some people might relate and some might not. Some may agree with what I share, some may not; that is fine.

 

I FOUND A WAY….

The day of my graduation, I was ready to let the world know EXACTLY that. Along with my Peacock Blue Hood, Ember Red Stole, and Barney Purple Robe (except I wasn’t tellin’ many NYU faculty ‘I love you’ and don’t think too many loved me), I decided to ‘pimp’ my cap out with a silky red linen shrouded with chain designs, displaying the words, “I FOUND A WAY,” on top.

Red was symbolic of the literal blood, sweat and tears it took for me to get to this point in life (apart from the obvious that it matched my stole). The chains represented the visible and invisible oppressive forces I overcame on my journey towards excellence.

A current rap artist by the name of Dave East inspired this aesthetic with his album “Paranoia,” which has a track called “Found A Way.” That track has been my life anthem.

I FOUND A WAY
IT WAS SO HARD TO GET WHAT I WANTED, I FOUND A WAY
I HAD TO SACRIFICE FOR THIS LIFE, I FOUND A WAY

– Dave East

For a young man coming up in Jersey City, I thought most of my troubles later in life would be light compared to the struggles of LITERALLY trying to survive the hood.

Before I got accepted into my masters program at NYU in 2013, the high school graduation rate for Jersey City was just above 60%. The violent crime rate was higher than the U.S. average and drugs, along with homicide, were reoccurring realities. I remember walking to NJCU for class since I lived nearby and up the block from where I lived I saw a reinforced SWAT truck with several men wearing body armor, military boots and helmets. They carried guns longer than half their body as several young adult Black males were cuffed on the ground against a gate. Again, I was on my way to class…

This was the environment I had to go through into 2014 to earn my Bachelors Degree.

I thought I was winning…. I thought I made it…… and then…..

Life got me..

Almost

IT WAS SO HARD TO GET WHAT I WANTED

Family

Although I knew my family loved me and they have made sacrifices in trying to live right with me as I with them, there were things said and done that had lasting effects into my graduate experience.

In an attempt to somewhat save face, I will just say that although our public image was one way, we often lived in dysfunction. Thanksgiving of 2016, I did not join the family.

My thinking? I was not about to sit in front of relatives and do a fake prayer pretending we loved each other when, in reality, we were as far from loving each other as possible. Toxicity was at a point where staying in the living room for five minutes erupted into drama. This, along with a job opportunity, gave me enough reason to move out of my parents home at the age of 23. This had gone on for years and missing Thanksgiving, as well as other events, put me into question in the eyes of relatives, but it was necessary.

While I can admit that there were things that could have been done different on my end, in most cases, I did attempt to rectify my errors and behaviors where others chose not to.

Regardless, in the longer term these “protests” showed to be worthwhile. My parents and I had a moment after my NYU graduation where some reconciliation took place, showing real signs of healing and forgiveness. Was definitely a start, still a long way to go…

School

SCHOOL WAS A STRUGGLE

There is just no other way to put it. I started graduate school in 2014 with a full-time job, a girlfriend I absolutely loved, and the expectation of completing the program in no more than three years…

I ended up finishing graduate school unemployed, single as the french fry under your car seat and completing my degree in four years, a year extra.

If being affected by these forces wasn’t enough, I faced the possibility of getting expelled from NYU not once, but twice for being a B- student.

“A GPA below the required minimum (3.0) is grounds for dismissal. Students who have less than the required cumulative GPA during any semester are placed on academic probation and closely monitored for academic progress.”

At this time of my life, I was going through the aforementioned issues with family, egos in the workplace at the Department Of Corrections, and depression following my relationship breakup. Now, I had to add “potentially getting kicked out of graduate school tens of thousands of dollars in debt” to the list.

My grad school “adviser” reached out to me once I was ON academic probation to “closely monitor” me. Full responsibility was placed on me as the sole party accountable for my underachieving status, giving her less the title of “adviser,” but more of “officer.”

At no point prior to being on academic probation was I reached out to for assistance. There was no check-in to verify why I was so close to this margin; I faced this alone.

Although I accepted it was my responsibility to maintain this GPA, reality was that I had too much going on. Rather than realizing that many of my NYU colleagues were only experiencing a fraction of what I was going through at the time, I continued to place blame on myself for not being “good enough.” I felt undeserving, unworthy and asked myself if getting accepted into NYU was a “quota admission;” a charitable entry.

My academic adviser, who had years of advising experience at the program, saw I had a 2.806 entering my last semester to get off academic probation. This is what she wrote me:

To be fair… I can understand her logic. “THE HOUSE IS BURNING!! Leave and grab your belongings while you still can!!”

I get it

I haven’t “proven” myself to this point, how can I possibly come back from this?……

All that anger…. All that depression……

………….

…. However

If I had bowed to her “expertise,” if I had surrendered to those “years of advising experience,” I would not have my Masters degree from NYU.

Hell, I am not certain that I would be able to transfer to another competitive program on short-notice, especially being just above a 2.8 GPA (even if those credits came from NYU).

I was taking one of the biggest gambles to that point in my life. I bet against her professional expertise and bet on myself……….. I won…

 

I got EXACTLY the minimum grades that I needed to pass and get off academic probation.

 

Unfortunately, this was a short victory, as I fell back under academic probation as I had to take a quantitative course the following semester that I did not do well in. I was also fatigued from barely surviving probation the first time, along with life’s other issues.

At the very least, my probation was extended, giving me a bit more time to fix things..

I still had the factor that hit me the hardest

Love

Few people know this about me… I was close to being engaged.

2015, my girlfriend at the time graduated from her masters program. She worked so hard for the time she was away from friends and family and I was her main support. I was taking 3 hour trips to visit her, Facetiming/ talking over the phone with her almost daily. As a gift for her completion, I bought her a Michael Kors bag and placed an all inclusive trip to Mexico in the bag. She opened the bag, read the travel info and started crying..

Her fourteen year old brother was in shock and said, “last time she cried was the day she was born!!”

Her best friend told me afterwards that for a moment, she thought I was about to propose. I told her that I had plans.. that I would keep her in the loop.

In her 24 years of life, my ex told me no one has ever done something like that for her…

No one….

When I started graduate school, this young woman had everything going for herself.

She was confident, intelligent, well-mannered, outspoken, and overly ambitious. As I started my graduate journey, she was already halfway through hers.

As a plus, she was GORGEOUS. From the physical physique to the internal spirit, she was that chick you had to bring to mama. We were together for almost two years.

We had a strong friendship foundation even prior to being together. It was intentional and respectable. Neither of us “made a move” for over a year, even though we were around each other almost every day (I know, hard to imagine two twenty-something year olds being friends and getting to know each other before dating).

** Now, this is where I share some personal details as they influence this story.

When we finally came forward and started sharing how we felt towards each other, we decided to owe it to ourselves to share our baggage. While we all come with baggage, it is fair to say some of us come with more baggage than others.

She was one year off an 8-year relationship she had with an abusive ex-boyfriend. No one knew this about her, not even her best friend. Some of what she went through I won’t discuss in detail. I’ll just say this: God Wanted Her Alive.

She grew up also having a disconnected relationship with her father and as much as I admired her strength and independence through all she’s been through, it became clear that her independence was based on trying to compensate for men failing her.

I understood

Men who were supposed to protect her. Who were supposed to add worth and value…

 

Having had the opportunity to STRICTLY be her friend for over a year allowed me to see her in and out of action. It allowed me to see how she handled various situations and due to us both being involved on campus and being around many of the same events, my observations were constant of her. She was a real one.

I asked her directly if she was ready to join a relationship with me considering everything we had exchanged in our conversation, to keep it 100. She gave me what seemed to be a solid breakdown as to why she believed she was ready. She was known as a no nonsense chick and that is how I also knew her, I took her word as bond.

About 2 years later, the relationship imploded and was disasterous.

Respect for each other dwindled to nothing, bitterness absorbed us and a lot of that stemmed from what later proved to be her not getting past her history with her ex.

Not long before we had officially broken up, I invited her to Zales for a Ring Show. She was trying on different diamond rings, allowing me to get a sense of what she liked while analyzing her finger size. I even learned the 6Cs.

 

I wanted this forever thang……….

 

Saving with my entry level job was difficult, but I was doing it. All I had to my name was a beat-up car and a couple dollars saved after my spending on school, family and her.

Things unfortunately didn’t work out and due to the way everything transpired, I went through unquestionably the worst depression of my life…..

I became a different person, everyone who claimed they would support me through the relationship disappeared.

Accountability partners, mentors; GONE

Death… was never more real

I HAD TO SACRIFICE FOR THIS LIFE

Last Summer was the second and final go round with academic probation. In baseball terms, it was bottom of the 9th, bases loaded, full count. I was either going to be expelled from NYU for not being over a 3.0 or I would get over the hump and be about 80% confident I would graduate now that I was done with my quantitative courses.

I had ran out of tears. I had ran out of sweat. What seemed to be a prolonged nightmare was coming to its ultimate close. There was a point where the stress flowing out my eyes was telling me to stop working and to take this L..

Then I came across this beauty of a quote from the man who not only trained, but raised one of the greatest boxers of all time; Mike Tyson:

Tyson, at one point, was projected to become even greater than Mohammad Ali under Cus D’Amato. Cus not only coached him, he became his father figure after Mike had early run-ins with the law as a teenager. I went back to see how dominant Mike was in his early career and ALL OF THAT went downhill when Cus passed away. Mike then started losing metaphorical fights outside the ring: drugs, money, women, etc.

I realized that “Cus D’Amato” for me were the illusions and dreams I had with the three mentioned topics. I let this “American-like Dream” father me towards my goals and when I realized that Family, School and Love were DYING, I saw myself becoming Mike Tyson!!

Something had come over me! An anger that FIRED ME UP. An ANGER that MOTIVATED me! Things started to click, I started to see through people. I started to see through institutes and ideologies that BLINDED me from achieving TRUE GREATNESS.

Anger towards how the system put people of color in positions to work barely livable wages, creating SO MANY of the problems experienced in my family alone!

Anger towards a “liberal and progressive” school that “PRIDED ITSELF” on public service, yet the service to many of their own students (especially students of color) was mediocre at best (as per conversations with many of my peers).

Anger towards EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT. an individual or group of people denied me the RIGHT to believe that I WAS GREAT

 

What happened to me internally looked like this

 

I realized that to be great, I DID NOT NEED ANY OF THESE THINGS. Having power over my mind, power over my emotions and physical well-being, THAT MADE ME GREAT

As I came to the realization and acceptance that most of my problems stemmed from what we know as “1st World Problems,” I started to do the following:

• I EMBRACED MY PRIDE.
• Rather than “become humble,” I BECAME KING
• I told myself that if I got expelled, it was NYU’s LOSS. That I would REAPPLY ELSEWHERE, COMPLETE MY MASTERS DEGREE & STILL BE GREAT
• I also told myself that if I got expelled with all this debt, I WAS STILL BREATHING!!!!!! I WAS STILL VALUABLE!!!! My comeback would be STRONGER
• Last thing: I asked myself “How do you want to go out?” Swinging and clappin’ a couple of jaws before being put out or pitying myself and doing nothing?!

I SWUNG HOMIE AND I ROCKED JAWS!!!!!

I GOT THE 3.0!!!

I got the bases clearing hit to put me in front

At this point NOBODY could tell me NUTHIN. I sacrificed family, I sacrificed health, I sacrificed finances and passions I had to get to this point. The one thing that held me together and brought me joy, music, was on layaway until I completed this phase in life.

I felt it, I was almost there! Finish line in sight and then… a final hurdle I did not expect.

 

My ex got engaged

 

Not even a full two years after breaking up and she was getting married. Unbelievable.

Just when I FINALLY OVERCAME my academic challenges (which for a time I associated with my relationship with her), now I have to face another situation, but more real.

**** I’m almost done, I promise****

When I was going to class during the summer, I was able to write a track over a, of course, Dave East beat. The track was called “Answers.”

I already had plans to use that track as my first ever music video to that point. I had a date on which I planned on dropping the promo video to the track, which happened to somehow originally be a few days after finding out about this engagement.

I found that this was a moment on which I was teetering on top of the mountain.

I can either go forward… or all the way backwards again…….

I dropped the promo sooner than expected as a promise to myself that no one will have that type of power over me again. I let my barz do the talkin’

That led to this baby later coming into fruition:

I owed it to myself to do what I loved, which was motivate people through authenticity. This bravery on my end to accept the heart-crushing reality that my ex had moved on gave me reason to run after what I’ve wanted to pursue for years now: my music.

As a result of its popularity, my music video was played in one of my class lectures for Community Organizing, I performed a live rendition of this track in front of 300-400 NYU students in attendance and also performed at conferences.

I guess you can say “I had Answers” ;-]

 

As I rode this wave, an even more surprising truth came to my attention.

I did not originally know who my ex was engaged to as I only saw a picture of her on social media with friends and family. Months later, I learned it was with her ex.

 

Hmm..

 

As crazy as this sounds, I believe that was the moment of liberation I needed.

This confirmed her true colors and validated I was not the one in the wrong, she was.

Our once powerful friendship crumbled apart due to her inability to let go of what wasn’t good for her. I originally was heartbroken seeing her engaged, but the Jonathan that was her homie first still said, “Whoever he is, I hope he’s a better man than me.”

 

After finding out the truth about her and truly reflecting, all I have to say is, “R.I.P.”

 

Be it literal, metaphorical or both, something or someone will see those letters.

 

She has accepted whatever outcome may come from this volatile recipe.

 

I can no longer feel sympathy nor compassion for her situation.

 

There is no need for us to even dialogue.

 

All I can say is

 

I FOUND A WAY

 

And maybe one day

 

She can find her own